Now, that you’re not here…

“I got into the shower as I turned the cold water on, shivers ran down my spine to remind me that I am still alive.”

Seventy-two days have already passed since that Tuesday,  I couldn’t believe it when that evening I was told that you were gone. How could that even be possible if we had just talked on the phone for over two hours and suddenly they say you’re not here anymore? That can’t be.

That morning you said you were going to mow the grass, take a shower, go get a haircut and after that go help your friend with his fence. The last thing you said was we would FaceTime in the evening once we got home. We had talked about finally taking off with some of our most exciting plans, you were going to fly in to Mexico City, get to know my work, my community and surroundings. We had finally agreed on how we were going to give it a shot together. The last words I heard from you were “go get ’em and we will talk tonight, hey… love you palomita”, that short silence after that “hey…” felt different or it might have been that it wasn’t different it is just that now that you’re no longer here my mind remembers every word, every silence and even every breathing space. I am still waiting for your call.

Please, just tell me, how the fuck am I supposed to carry on without you?

I just don’t know what to do with myself, you gave me a reason, something to believe in, a meaning and now… I don’t want to feel better, I don’t want to NOT remember, I will NOT say goodbye.. Some even say time will heal but the pain just gets more real and I refuse to let go of you.

I think of all the time I wasted, all the calls I didn’t answer, all the years we were away, all the words not said and everything I didn’t cherish… I wish I could apologize, I am sorry for the time we didn’t spent together, I am sorry for the many arguments we had because you weren’t a deportee/returnee, I am sorry for not listening to you. The only thing you wanted to offer me was a safe space away from the intensity of my combined work-life experience. I accused you of lacking sensibility as a person that always had it easy with this green card and then US citizen status. I refused to see everything that you offered me, a warm hug after my hectic day. You asked me so many times to please just be your partner, your friend and your soulmate and instead I would turn away… I am sorry to have let you down.

I do want to tell you that you touched my heart, my soul and changed my life and all my goals. We saw each other cry, smile and saw you sleep. I even knew your fears and you knew mine. I knew your favorite food, your tickle spot and how you disliked chewing gum. A soccer ball, some tools and music were your favorite things. It is very hard to think of myself without you, how I miss hearing you happy, looking at your smile. I look up at the sky looking for you and in memories my soul seeks relief, you took away moments, moments that will never happen again but my hope is that I will get there with you too, I would like to have you in front of me one more time to hug you once again.  I miss you like crazy ever since you left, every hour, every day, no matter what I say or do there is just no way of getting over you.

I should have loved you like I was going to lose you, I should have held you like I was saying goodbye, I took you for granted and now we ran out of time. If your time on earth is over, if I must face this world without you, know that the love you gave me in the past is gonna follow me.

It is unbearable to keep on with my life, when I wake up and I don’t get your call, even as I am rushing to the subway while saying our good mornings. It is hard to think that there is nobody waiting for my call, nobody that will laugh at my silly jokes, at my cheesy love poems or my awful singing. It is devastating to know that now nobody awaits for me anymore. I don’t have that special person with whom to plan, to dream, or to imagine a life together. I will never cook a meal and have dinner while we tell each other about our day. I will never hear about how our favorite soccer teams scored or even how they got their ass kicked.

You never gave up on that life together and when it was becoming a reality, life took you away.  All I now carry is a picture of you in my heart, and a memory of you that I carry in my soul, close with me so when the nights get cold I can go to them. I still wait for your phone call in the middle of the night thinking you might call me to say good night, I still wish you were here with my head against your chest and instead all I have is that big teddy bear that you sent to me this past valentine’s day, all I did was put him that jersey that you wore when you scored the winning goal at that final and where that player hit you with his elbow in your eye, there is still a tiny stain of your blood from it.

I have a lot to confront in the next weeks, I promise to go to your graveyard soon, to get the strength to go into your bedroom, I will drive us in your cherished red mustang to one of those many spontaneous road trips that we would take after school.

I want to end this letter telling you that it took me more then two months to write it. There is still a lot I need to tell you, a lot I need to face and a lot I need to reconcile with myself. I still do not want accept your departure, I still want to believe you will eventually come see me. I just wrote this first letter but know that it is very hard to sleep, to not wake up several times at night, to struggle to get up from bed and put on a mask on, know that it sucks to get home to my room and not constantly look at my phone to see if I see a missed call from you or a message. It is very painful to feel this silence, this immense loneliness.  Please save a place for me, I will be there soon because there is no better place for me then to be with you.

Please keep guiding me, help me feel somehow that you’re always by my side. I need you.

Hasta pronto…