Letting go of the rope

On July 5th of this present year, I started to be in contact with someone I never expected to meet in my life time. In my opinion a friendship always begins with the term ADMIRATION, and that is what led to this unique friendship that has taken place in less than a month of meeting each other.

The first thing that I noticed was that this person is so strong, so determined to always let himself be guided by the brightness of the moon where ever life may place him.  It amazed me how he has been preparing for something that even though it may not be totally up to him, realizing that the way he continues with his life afterwards is in control of him.

I have met a limited number of people that can understand and be very determined to their convictions. This person is one of those which are able to make use of all the talents and their knowledge to something they firmly believe.

For the past years, and even more in recent months I had been diving into my feelings to discover not my identity but what I was really feeling in regards of what had been my country and the place that had contributed to my formation for 16 years of my life.

I never expected that someone was meant to come into my life to help me clear my thoughts.

The United States will always have a place in my memories, my childhood and teenage years are up there. I have friends, family and places that will always remind me of a life and I society I once had belonged to, but that is all there is to it.

I started questioning what role The United States played in me since I was able to return in October of last year. As I was told that I would be able to travel back and forth to The United States for 10 years, I was extremely excited but also scared of what it would be like to return after so long. Once I stepped on US soil for the first time in almost 8 years I have to admit I was excited, happy, astonished, I felt like I was able to conquer the world.

Later in January of this year, I went to my home town in Georgia. It was a cold, snowy winter that I had mostly spent with my family and being with my niece and new nephew. I realized that my town was exactly the same as I had left it many years ago, the only one that was not the same anymore was me. I had gone through so many experiences (positive and negative) that I looked at all the places I used to pass by when I was a teenager and it felt like it was another person. My friends, family and my school were not the same; nothing was going to be the same. I had already missed on so much that it felt like I was a spirit wondering back in time.

I am grateful I met and spent time with my family whom I absolutely adore, I also spent time with some of my best friends, and also I was able to kneel in front of the alter in my catholic church from which I had promise to return one day. Even though I have learned that it is not essential to be part of a religion and that being in one does not make me a saint or a bad person. I have the ability to choose what kind of person I want to be in life and whether to do good or bad. I do believe in life and in some god but this god is in me, in the sea, in the moon, in nature not inside a building.

Later in April I went to Northern California again and enjoyed being with a great friend and sharing the voices of my community (deportees and returnees). I believe in traveling to see new places, live new experiences, fight for the right to mobility. I believe that everybody should be free to decide where they want to be in the world and for how long without borders or humans restricting it.

I have to admit that while I was in Georgia in January I did miss Mexico, I missed its color, its sun and its freedom. I will always remember when people up there would tell me things like “I am sorry you have to go back to Mexico, I know you probably want to stay here”, HAHA in that moment I wondered, why would I want to stay here? Is it because it is THE GREAT AMERICA? I am sorry but after all I have experienced included recently with my job as an interpreter and having to see on a daily basis how the system in The US works and after having the perspective of an outsider, excuse me but NO. Mexico may not be the best place either; there may be corruption, impunity, murder and poverty. It may not be easy to navigate the system here but looking at The US from here I am not seeing much of a difference lately.

As I said The US will always be part of my life, and I will probably keep traveling for business, pleasure, and specially to be with my family and friends. It doesn’t mean I hate the places and the important people in my life that are up there. I also believe everybody deserves the right to go back and decide if they want to be there or not. In my case I do not want to make a life up there.

If I ever get married or have children ( NEVER WILL) I do not want my children to be part of that system, of that government that it has not only shut the doors on me but to millions of others.

At one moment in my life I wanted to kneel and beg the US Government to please let me study, work, drive and stay in my home (The US), at another stage of my life I was angry and I wanted to confront The US government and ask them for what my crime was? Why was a lot of people and myself being treated delinquents when all we would do is work, study, pay taxes, contribute to an economy, do the hard labor and you refer to us as criminals.!

Now, I do not want to beg nor question the government, I am disappointed at it. A place that I dearly love and pledged as my home does not deserve for me to call it HOME or wanting to be a citizen of it. A place that detains kills and deports people like me does not deserve my patriotism. I am tired of  them issuing a temporarily permission only to those few outstanding young people but expect us to tip toe and not break a single thing, not even by accident or because as young people we took a bad choice but that doesn’t mean we should get kicked out of our home.

I am so disappointed of them being the BULLY and everybody inside thinking they ever were or they are THE GREAT AMERICA.  I do not believe in that discourse anymore, every day I have to see how people navigate the system, and how the people with less privileges are always the once being dehumanized and disrespected.

The person I just met a month ago was the person that placed the last piece of the puzzle, and because of his story and his process I have understood what I feel and what I believe.

“You have been holding on to this rope for so many years that your hands are now tired of pulling and holding on to it, it is time to let go “ – My friend

I appreciate you helping me clarify, appreciate and most important to let go of that rope. You inspire me to be positive and that I should not fear whatever it may be unknown to me.