Finding myself again in the midst of crisis

Exhausted, fear, frustration, overwhelming are only a few of the feelings that make up this emotional crisis that I find myself immerse at the moment. I am exhausted of tripping with the same rock over and over again, nothing happens to it.

I am outraged of being part of an economic system that uses its power to detain, deport, and keep dehumanizing the lives of families. I am tired of doing a lot and at the same time nothing. I am terrified at the fact of not being capable to confront this system. I am tired of trying to keep the wind away from this weak fire lit. I feel impotent and angry at myself for not being able to understand that I am surrounded by limitations, that there are many things that will never be in my hands, that I am just a little speck in this world.

I dive into myself and I try to see at my many mistakes, of everything I am doing wrong, I try to take into consideration everything others point out on me. I try to think twice before any word comes out of my mouth, to think, to analyse and make sure I will not hurt anyone or say something inappropriate. It seems like no matter how hard I try to not seek recognition for myself at the end of the day I guess my actions send the opposite message.

I am exhausted and frustrated at myself for not learning from previous lessons in my life. My gut is usually right most the times and when I decide to ignore it because I want to believe in others, to have expectations, to think that all people have the best intentions then I bump into the painful reality that it just doesn’t work this way. I hate myself for believing, for being so naive at certain moments, for falling into manipulation, for believing in the most sick and disgusting people. It is sad to realize that it was all my fault for building those expectations. I am mostly surrounded by amazing people, but I hate that because I get disappointed by certain once then I loose all the trust in the many  that surround me.

I am frustrated at the fact that I can’t balance my life and that everyday I feel like I am letting go of many things because I am holding strongly to one. I have escaped from one of the things that held me the most, my family. I am letting go of the chance of loving and being loved because I feel that my place is in Mexico, is it? Am I letting go of the opportunity to build a family, to feel loved and to truly belong somewhere? Am I being way too stubborn to think that I don’t need anyone in my life? Is what I am doing worth loosing it?

I am tired of repeating to myself that my place is in Mexico, is it? There are many times I just want to run home and the few times I do get to go home I am angry at myself for not allowing myself to live those moments. How can I get rid of that feeling of guilt, of responsibility and realize that I am not in any privilege position rather just part of what should be a right to all of us.

I am angry at myself that an agenda controls my every step and that after emails and emails my days fly away leaving myself with a feeling of “not doing enough”.

At the end of the day it is just me, I have no one else but me. There is someone that has constantly proved that he will be there but I am just scared of choosing love over everything else.

I acknowledge that I have put aside my self care. I am a person that enjoys the silence and the time that I connect with myself. This is the first time after many months that I am sitting down outside looking at “My Luna”, while I type and listening to meditation music.

En fin la lucha sigue…

XOXOXO

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