Leaving home back in 2008 has become an incomplete chapter in my life. I still can´t believe I came to an unknown country called Mexico. For so many people including myself this action was contradicting in some way the sacrifice that my parent did when they decided to migrate to the United States so that I could have a better life because 18 years later I was about to do the opposite leave the United States in order to try to have an even better life. I was giving up my home for something uncertain, something that to my eyes was obvious that I wasn’t going to have a positive outcome from this involuntary decision. Leaving home felt like jumping off an airplane not knowing where I was going to land and with absolutely no protection on.
Ever since the day I said my goodbyes and waved through the back window to my family felt like I was giving up my dreams and life in some way. The intention of leaving was so I could pursuit a career and many dreams that in that moment if I had stayed home I am sure I wasn’t going to be able to accomplish but at the same time felt so much as a failure and someone inside was shouting at me ” are you out of your mind? going to Mexico is the end of you” it felt like being in a funeral or like if I was going to be trapped in a place, but still I managed to fight those inner voices.
I wasn’t sure how long was it going to take before I would regret my action, I must say I was surprised of myself because it was actually sooner then I could imagine.. right after crossing the border line did I regret it. It felt like if I was never going to be on the other side, a film of my life started playing in my head so fast and suddenly it stopped and I opened my eyes and all I could see was a different world.
Then as the time, the days, the months and even the years went by I continued to regret it because Mexico was not what I had in mind. I didn’t experience that feeling of liberty or that feeling of belonging.
The years have been flying by and over all I have always had the need to experience what it is to be back in that country that saw me grow up and that contributed to my education/ formation and that I continue to call home. I want to breath those sensations of walking through my streets without fear and with that sense of liberty. I want to be in contact with my roots and feel my identity.
I am not the same Maggie that once left home in 2008, I am not that 18 year old teenage that dreamed of having a better life, I am not that failure that I thought I was.
The time has been a rough professor that instead of lessons it has made me fall over and over again, it has given me loneliness, pain, tears, fear but it has given me experience and lot of strength. I know that the day I step in U.S soil I am not even going to be the shadow of what that teenager that once crossed the border line feeling as a failure was because now I am a little wiser full of scars that have been transformed into experience and strength.The next steps is to start crossing borders and to keep pursuing those dreams that I continue to have within me and keep working so everybody can one day cross borders and be where ever their dreams and desires takes them to..