I was relief to know that Jose was going to be OK, we even got to talk over the phone and I knew 2018 was going to be OUR year, finally!
The first months in Pocho House were a lot about responding and figuring out how everything was going to evolve, but personally I was living the best months in many years because José and I were finally together. I have to confess I was a nervous wreck because after almost five years we were finally going to be face to face. A part of me was disappointed that it had taken us so long, another part of me was convinced that we were going to to close cycles and say our definite goodbyes but at the same time I was anxious to see him, I was clueless about our first reaction. Finally, April arrived and we got to spend those unforgettable days in New Orleans. I hadn’t felt this way since we last saw each other, in his arms I didn’t care about anything but that moment. We got to talk for days, to question ourselves, to forgive each other, to reconcile with our past and we ended that trip with many plans, completely in love and with the tasks of preparing ourselves to finally live our life together. We were going to dive in our love and everything we had gone through in the past had only prepared us for our journey together.
Nobody ever imagined that weeks later you were going to have to depart from this world without a warning and after being on the phone one day you just left and from that day NOTHING in my life is the same. My first big lesson of this year was the day you left, I have not only lived regretting all the time we weren’t together but also the fact that I learned the lesson too late. I always put you last, I put ourselves at the end of everything when what I should have done was put us at the very front and you had to leave in order for me to GET IT. In 2008 I was forced to return to Mexico and leaving everything behind in Georgia and coming to this unknown land I thought it was going to be the most difficult moment in my life but I was wrong. In 2018, exactly ten years later I lost the person that was my soulmate and with whom I was going to walk side by side but it all ended and there is nothing I can do.
This year I also got the chance to look back at this last decade in Mexico and where I stood after so long. Since 2013 when I met other returnees and deportees I really believed that I along with others could do a lot to transform our lives and the lives of others. All I wanted was to listen to others, to think that together we could achieve it all. I was upset but I was a warrior ready to fight anyone over the fantasy that we had to take action, that it was up to us to make change. In 2018 I confronted many realities, it wasn’t just this year but rather the accumulation of experiences that rubbed these realities in my face. It has been a painful year but also a year of accepting my capacities, my limitations, and trusting that everything I do, I do it with the best intentions, with love and with purpose. I know the feeling of impotence, I even see it in the eyes of my co-workers and friends when we are in the midst of inhumane and unfair situations. I guess since José left and I had to confront for the first time the reality that there is nothing I can do to bring him back to life, that since that day I am force to live with a limitation, a painful one…
This year I have also had to learn the real meaning of loneliness. Once again I owe the lesson to José because since the day he left I realized that I was now truly alone in this journey of grieving that will last forever. Since that day it became a lot easier to also let go of so called friendships, it is insane how you can be friends with someone, live so many moments together, even moments where both of you were honest with each other and you think THAT friendship is strong enough and suddenly one day is over, without explanations it is just over. This 2018 I have had to endure this reality that at the end of the day it is just me. That being in certain roles require a lot from myself, even willingness to walk the journey alone.
Now that I am going over the year I realized that the biggest lessons I have learned have been since the day you departed. If I have to be honest with myself, the truth is that staying in this earth without you has been the most difficult aspect of my life, I am far from ready to let go of you. I have a lot of faith that one day there will peace within me, that one day I will smile every time I remember you. The promise of being together one day will be my motivation to keep going on.
Meanwhile, I will keep giving it my best shot, even if it’s not enough for others, I know that for me it will be my best. I also must not be selfish and end this blog page by being grateful for the many people that crossed my life this year. I have had the honor of meeting many amazing folks and several who have continue to be in my journey. I will hold each and everyone of you in my heart. I am blessed to be part of something bigger, of being only a piece of a much more beautiful puzzle: a community.
May 2019 be another year of strength, faith, lessons and love!
PS: To my Guapito all my admiration, love and faith that you guide my every step of the way until the day we can finally be reunited.